Busy brain

I did not sleep well last night. There was no major feeling of dis-ease but there was a mild background mood with traces of low self esteem and of me being a chancer.

I watched bits of movies on YouTube but they were not active enough to hold my attention.  I was able to be the nonjudgemental witness most of the time except there were shades of the witness in all the carriages of the thought train - so focus was slight and it changed rapidly. 

This piece of writing is going very slowly. There is a tendency to drift off on a mixed bag of thought trains.

There is a mild inclination to make an index of the more common thoughts, feelings and moods (TFM). But that is not easy as most of them are shortlived. And, while I try to do justice to one thought train, many others pass unrecorded.

A niggle at the moment is that I have misplaced my tablet. It will be in the house somewhere because I have not been out. It is usually my glasses that get misplaced and many precious minutes are dedicated to searching in likely and then in unlikely places.

There is guilt for not having a specific place for everything. Sometimes I put this down to laziness; at other times to the emergence of my inner anarchist. I have a problem with rules and often feel that they are carried over from my early days in the family. This is associated with feelings of joy in knowing that there is no forward planning group in evolution. 

Then there are thoughts about parenting. New born babies have enormous potential but it is rarely realised. Biological evolution is not aiming for peace and love. The bottom line is to give rise to more and more viable genes, individuals and social groups.

As a childless school teacher I could get angry about the way kid’s are socialised into being wage slaves and consumers of everchanging fads and fashions. More money than sense. “A feel and his siller are seen pairtit.”

There is need for changing minds and brains. We have three variables to play with – nature, nurture and chance. And we can be more or less mindful while playing with them.

It is useful to think of three modes of evolution – cosmic, biological and cultural. The cultural mode is possible because of the development of the pre frontal context. Tinkering with the brain has led to more consciousness in the mind: this includes the concept of a self with a need to understand and control the world. Many modern people are “neurotic nihilists living in an existential vacuum.”

SO – a busy mind. But what I have written is a tiny part of all the stuff that passed through the mind while writing and this was an even tinier part of the underlying unconscious churn.